Winter’s Void and the Summer’s Hope.

 

It’s about 3:34 at night, cold winter night at my room, enjoying privilege that is the dream of millions, I had to do nothing for it, sometimes I am not even thankful for what I have, but today it’s not about what I have it’s about the feeling of having nothing that I am experiencing, I don’t know how but every few months I get entrapped in this weird place where all I want to do is cry but not a single tear falls through my eye just like the some emotions I never let out in front of anyone,  I feel there are some things a human only wants to let out with the person with whom they are most comfortable with, with whom they know they will not be judged or being advised they will just be heard.

It’s so strange na that we have all these social media platforms where we can put anything we want and still all we share are the smiles, the happy part of our lives, hundreds of friends and followers but somehow no one to talk, and even if we have some friends we all look out for that one. Everybody posts that they are available if anyone wants to talk but in reality they are not, no one wants to listen your miseries your problems when they have their own. I don’t know if it’s my evolutionary or primitive brain that is kicking in that fear loneliness that forces you to be part of tribe and in all the efforts of creating an individualistic society what modern society has failed to comprehend is that sometimes all humans want is to be with their fellow sapiens.

It’s funny that how I a 19 year old teenager cribbing about his late night feelings went to evolution, but I think it’s the right way to approach the situation I am dealing with right now, going to the roots, but coming back to surface I think I am in a lookout for partner with whom I can be myself and fill this void I am experiencing right now, I mean humans are not designed to stay single till 24, their biological self is ready to produce off springs at age 15ish, creating memes is the driver of human race and I am not talking about internet memes but we humans have passed our primitive self as a society way back and now we function as a social construct.

But as my brain kicks me with the void I ask myself I am really ready for someone to come and share myself to them, well, scars of my past still scare me and the insecurities that society pushes on me haunts me to my toes, insecurity of my skin of my body of my personality or of myself, I think I have lost my inner self in seeking validation of society, watching that cheesy web-series so that I can get a chance to talk to a girl about it at the same time building unreal expectations of my love life from that or listening to that song and trying hard to relate to it even if I can’t just to fit in just to look cool.

I wonder whether I will be able to find my lost self ever again, that boy who never cared about that he will be judged if he behaved in certain way or girls don’t like these “type” of boys, the boy who could find joy in anything and judged no one and wanted to be friend with everyone and now all he wants is to be left alone, I think a part of me has lost to the pretention. Would I stop pretending in front of others to be someone I am not? The answer is maybe.

I remember sitting near some very beautiful girls of my age, the type of girls they tell you are “out of your league”, they were talking about a rapper and BTS and that how cool they were, I didn’t care for neither of both things but that day I talked loudly with my friend that was with me that how cool BTS and that rapper was and  how I am fan of them just so that there will be a wildest chance to get to know or talk to any of those girls.

As you can guess it didn’t happen, I remember being with the person whom I loved, shared most intimate parts of my life with her, I was me with her, It was a feeling that cannot be described, shared my most formative years of my life with her and things ended at bad note, at that time I could never Imagine living without her, that incident scarred me I guess, I could never share the same things I shared with her ever again with anyone because of the fear that they will leave too, and I think it’s all that banking up that’s wants to vent out to someone, God I miss those moments, isn’t it weird that the person who was our everything suddenly becomes a stranger for life.

Well part of moving on is to accept what happened and find new people to have new experiences, but I wonder will anybody accept me, a person who doesn’t know whether he accepts himself as the person he is, it took me years to get over harassment that I had to face due to my skin colour and still I sometimes question myself will anybody accept this? As if this was any flaw or disability that I was born with, well why a girl will choose me when she can chose a man with six pack abs and all the beauty standards that society mends a person to have, I don’t have answer to it.

Neither do I have an answer of whether I will be able to find someone or something to fill the void I am experiencing right now, but I hope that it will and as Andy said in The Shawshank Redemption- “Hope is a good thing, may be the best of things. And good things never die”.